


How to steal the heart of a rogue in 5 easy steps: A guide by David Miranda Yolo Strider

by OrionPax



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 07:43:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/684513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionPax/pseuds/OrionPax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat asks for advice in wooing Nepeta from Dave<br/>it turns out just as bad as you would expect</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to steal the heart of a rogue in 5 easy steps: A guide by David Miranda Yolo Strider

**Author's Note:**

  * For [megidosreborn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megidosreborn/gifts).



> here's my Valentine's day gift for my lovely girlfriend Eliza. It's kinda dumb but I hope you like it dear.  
> And I hope the rest of you like it too!

"Ok I refuse to believe for the tiniest little microsecond that this is your real name." Karkat looked at the hastily stapled together stack of paper in his hands. This was by far not what he was expecting.

"Hey you wanted my help scoring with Nepeta dude and if you don't like it I'll take it back. Besides I don't make fun of your name Karkalicous Sofia Vantas." Dave straightened his shades and held out his hand for the book of dating advice he had given Karkat on his request. He didn't have to put up with this. He did a favour for a friend and this is the thanks he gets?

Karkat hugged the pages to his chest protectively "No no no no no I think I'll take it so I can read it through and break down for you exactly where and how you went wrong in painstaking itemised detail to avoid you screwing over someone else in the future." With that he ran off before Dave could stop him and found a place to hide away and start flicking through the book.

**> Ok first thing first you gotta follow her around and find out what she likes to do for fun**

This was stupid. Karkat knew Nepeta liked roleplaying and cats he didn't need to follow her around to find that out.

So why was he doing it?

The book had detailed exactly how to go about it including rolling in mud to hide his scent and leaves to act as camouflage. It had been so exact in the details that he had figured he would have to give it a try. So he had tailed her as she went around buying flowers and a horse teddy. She then went to a hive Karkat recognised and belonging to Equius. He sighed in relief, they were only pale gifts he still had a chance of pulling this off. Now he just had to wait hidden behind the fence of the hive across the road.

"So who are we hiding from?" Karkat yelled and stumbled to the side falling over into the nearby rose bush. Vriska had snuck up beside him and now was making a show of hiding behind the fence and had her eyes glued to Equius' door. "This some secret spy mission I should be getting in on?"

That was right the two blue bloods were neighbours. "You know what fuck this I'm going on to step two and getting this shit panned plan over with. Oh yes this plan has been panned to make sure only the best quality golden shit remains and thank god for that." He started picking thorns out of his face and turned to the now snickering Vriska. "Hey mind if I hop in your ablution chamber? I'll be ten times as quick as you in the sack."

She twirled her hair in her fingers thinking for a second and then gave him a grin that made him really nervous. "Yeah sure just wait there I just need to grab something first." Karkat shuffled and quickly ducked under the fence as Nepeta skipped out of the door and down the street with a happy whistle on her lips. When she was gone he stood up and turned to find Vriska stood with the garden hose pointed right at him. The high pressure water stream knocked him over the fence and he landed hard outside. "Wow you really were quick. Now leave."

**> Now you gotta load up on those candy hearts and fill her house with them and I mean FILL**

Karkat grumbled as he poured another sack of the dumb sugar hearts around Nepeta's coon. He had hit his knee falling over the so he had to lug the surprisingly heavy sweets around with a slowly worsening limp and it was taking a lot more than he had thought it would. This was the last bag and he had to go buy some more.

"Yo dogg what's wicked happening?" Now was not the TIME for this "I saw you coming in here and wanted to know what miracles were going on in the cat dogg's hive."

Karkat turned to his moirail "Look Gamzee we have to get out of here before she gets hive or else we will be down the proverbial shit creek without the metaphorical paddle!"

There was a noise from downstairs and a shift in the sugary sea. "Well now where did all you little guys come furom?"

"Ok shit. Shit shit shit shit. SHIT. And this last one will surprise you cause it's right out of left field but shit!" Karkat turned back to see Gamzee had his mouth full of hearts. Nothing for it, he grabbed his moirails shirt and dragged him below the surface just as Nepeta waded into her respite block trying to find a clue to the culprit.

Several tense minutes later the boys surfaced and managed to creep out of a window. "Brorail that was wicked awesome, we should do this more often dogg." Karkat just lead him away in silence while picking candy out of his hair.

**> Ok now for the final 100% cannot fail line. This line will get her to be putty in your arms "Baby girl animal blood might be fine for painting walls but I got something that will paint your insides but don't worry it's nontoxic so feel free to swallow"**

Karkat wasn't even going to attempt that one. This whole day was a disaster. He was caked in mud and thorns and sugar. His knee was swollen and swimming through candy carrying a full grown troll had strained his shoulder. He just wanted to sleep but he only got as far as his sofa where he collapsed.

**====== >**

"So he followed all the advice?" John slurped the last dregs of his soda with his straw.

Dave was fiddling with the burnt crispy fries left at the bottom of the packet. "Well not the last one but I thought that one was a step too far anyway."

"Yeah man you'll get it! Takes some time to be a prankster on my lev-" He turned slowly and looked at the window behind Dave and the colour drained from his face.

Dave turned to look and saw the terrifying sight of a clearly pissed off Nepeta pressed against the window.

**====== >**

Karkat opened the door and almost tripped over himself when he saw Nepeta at the door. He tried to say something but she took a bunch of flowers out from behind her back. "Hey so Rose and Jade have been telling me about this thing human thing called Valentine's day and I furund out you gave all those hearts fur me so I guess I wanted to ask you to be my Valentine..."

Karkat thought for a moment and then took the flowers "Only if you'll be mine." Well that was fucking stupid of him to say. He had blown it. But then he had blown it when he chose Dave's advice over his own ideas. He sure was a fucking idiot. After Nepeta left he would go yell at his past self for being such a broken think pan bulge juggler.

Surprisingly though Nepeta threw her arms round his waist and buried her face in his belly with a purr. His blood pusher flipped over like crazy, this was a happy turn for a change, though he still had to yell at past him if only to preserve the timeline. He patted her head gently and then jumped as she grabbed his butt. He glared at her but even he couldn't stay mad at the cheeky grin she gave back.

**====== >**

John groaned and spit up a tooth into his hand. "So we never talk about this to any one right?"

Dave put his shades back on and looked at his friend through the one surviving lens. "Agreed. Damn that Nepeta can throw a punch."


End file.
